Nice Guys & Schroedinger’s Bitch

The whole nice-guy thing has flared up again recently and the introverted, nice-guy nerd takes yet another beating and is, apparently, supposed to take it on the chin with a smile. All kinds of aspersions are cast as to the motivation of the nice guy, his views on women and his emotional experiences and damage are written off and belittled in a way that would never be accepted if the gender direction were reversed.

This makes me very angry, to the point of near incoherence. It’s not just the hypocrisy, it’s the presumptions and the way that emotionally hurtful experiences are written off by the very same people who expect their own irrational, hurtful experiences to be catered to and treated seriously.

I’ve been the nice guy pretty much all my life. The shoulder to cry on, the safe male friend. Not as part of some sort of ‘game’ to try and get women. Not with any sort of expectation but simply because that was who I was. The nice guy hears his female friends problems, sees them fall for bad guys over and over again. He hears what they say they want and pretty often that’s ‘Why can’t he be more like you?’

You want a guy like me?

I’m a guy like me!

Many successful relationships come from friendships and little wonder that through the intimacy of a strong friendship so also romantic affection can spring. This isn’t sinister, or creepy. Its not planned. It doesn’t indicate that the nice guy thinks of the woman as an object or that sex is his due for being a nice guy any more than the lounge lizard necessarily thinks he’s going to get anywhere with his cheesy lines.

Where does the resentment come from? It might be different these days, now that rampant nerdery has a certain cachet, but back in the day that was far from the case. As an introverted nerd with strange hobbies and interests you were a target for scorn and intelligence and humour didn’t get you very far either. Even if you weren’t that bad looking everything else counted against you so much that it didn’t help.

Friendship? Maybe. Anything more? Not on your life.

Again, you don’t necessarily expect it but when you buy into the whole ‘New Man’ thing because it seems to fit you. When you’re taken advantage of. When you’re told over and over again that the qualities you have are desirable but that never turns out to be true. When you do pick up the bravery to make a romantic move and get turned down again and again, banished to the Friend Zone despite all that talk, the hypocrisy and lies understandably get to you.

A broken heart leaves scars.

Apparently though, the nice guy – now once bitten, twice shy – isn’t allowed to dwell on this or to become wary of women, particularly pretty women. He is, instead, blamed for becoming bitter and disenchanted. It’s his fault he was manipulated and disappointed. He should never have been attracted to someone ‘out of his league’. Somehow he’s as much of a  problem as the sexually aggressive swine. Despite having the qualities that many women say they want.

Bollocks.

As men we’re supposed to simply accept that we’re going to be treated as potentially dangerous rapists. Schroedinger’s Rapist is completely irrational and nonsensical and yet we’re supposed to just suck it up and to understand that women are irrationally afraid of us and let it go at that.

What about Schroedinger’s Bitch? Isn’t that just as (in)valid? Maybe we have our ownemotional reasons from bitter, past experience for being wary of women. Especially pretty women. Maybe we’ve been brushed off, lied to, treated like crap, exploited or dumped for the kind of guys you said you didn’t want too many times. How about some respect and understanding for OUR irrational fears eh?

Don’t guess at the nice guy’s motives and them damn him based on you own, insulting presumptions. Somehow, it seems, victim blaming is just fine so long as the guy’s the victim.