Cowboy Builders

*Doorbell rings*

*Mrs Humanity opens the door, a hinge breaks as she does so*

Humanity: “Hello, yes?”

Mr Vishnu: *Presents his card* “Vishnu and Zeus, builders. You called about a problem?”

Humanity: “Oh thank fate you’re here Mr Vishnu! We’re having all sorts of problems with our universe.”

Mr Vishnu: “I’d best come in, Mr Zeus will check the roof, drainage and the outside for you.”

Humanity: “Yes, yes, come in, come in, can I get you a cup of ambrosia and a prayer biscuit?”

Mr Vishnu: “No, no… that’s fine thanks, let’s see what the trouble is. Shall we start in the kitchen?”

Humanity: “Oh, yes, certainly, if you’ll just look over here…”

Mr Vishnu: “Oh my me! You’ve had the cowboys in here! Look at that, black holes all over the place, cracks up the wall from subsidence… what’s that in the oven?”

Humanity: “Oh, those, those are New Species. We ordered a creationist universe, you know, everything already made, but Jehovah and Son seem to have given us something different.”

Mr Vishnu: “Oh yes, they’re notorious Jehovah and Son, bodged jobs up and down the multiverse. Did you pay them?”

Humanity: *visibly flustered* “Well, I wasn’t going to, but then Jesus dropped by, he had a black eye and a swollen lip, he said his father was very upset with me for not paying and could I possibly see my way clear to coughing up just to help him out.”

Mr Vishnu: “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before, classic tug at the old heartstrings, all a scam of course.”

*Mr Zeus plummets through the roof in a shower of tiles and smashes through the floor into the basement.*

Humanity: “Oh my…”

Mr Vishnu: “I don’t think I need to see anything else, this universe isn’t up to code, it’s not even steady state for crying out loud! Plus you’re infested with evolution. If you hadn’t told me different I’d have thought this was one of those messy naturally occuring universes.”

Humanity: “Can you fix it?”

*Mr Vishnu sucks his teeth and makes a few notes on a notepad*

Mr Vishnu: “It’ll cost ya.”

Mr Zeus: (From below the kitchen) “Can I get a hand up? I think I fell in some dark matter.”

*Fade*

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